I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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