I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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