you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
