he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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