I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
