you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
