I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
