there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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