In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
