I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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