I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
