mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
my being single is dangerous.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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