these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
