I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
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My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
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Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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