the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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