I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
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He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
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Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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