i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
