How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
