I should be sponsored by Trojan
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize