OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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