I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
