wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
zippers are such a cool invention
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize