If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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