I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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