I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
