ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
