Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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