I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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