At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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