this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I wear drunk well.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
