I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
