Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
