Banned from zoo.
Again?
you would pick up someone in the library
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
