best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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