God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
