Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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