this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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