Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
