I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
