He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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