hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
