Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
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He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
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Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize