Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
