Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
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