my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
