Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I've blown a few things in my day
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
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She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
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I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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