I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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