Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
