Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
