well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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