We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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