she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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