I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
