You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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